Saturday, March 28, 2009

Worst. Pie. Ever.

For those of you who have been clamoring for me to replace the photos of the poor maligned hard boiled egg pie, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that obviously, those photos have been superseded by a new pie. The bad news is that it is arguably the most disgusting disaster of a pie that I have made yet.

My boss Jeff and I decided to use the occasion of president John Tyler's birthday as an excuse to have a bake off. Neither of us had ever made what is known variously as a John Tyler pie, a John Tyler pudding pie, a Tyler pudding, etc. It's basically a custard pie. I chose to use a recipe from The First Ladies Cookbook for a John Tyler pie with coconut. I took this very seriously too. I read general tips on custard pies in The Joy of Cooking, followed the very detailed pre-baking-of-crust instructions in another cookbook, and pan-toasted coconut to go on top. And let me just say, that if this had been a pie beauty contest, I think my pie would have won, hands down. But alas, despite multiple cookbooks telling me that a custard pie would be set, but still jiggly, I took my pie out too early, and when cut into, it was raw in the middle. And not just raw, but it oozed this bizarre yellow goo. Which led to jokes about Tyler's presidency being as half-baked as his pie, and to the lunchroom query of "can I drain you a piece of pie?"

Jeff's pie earned 4 votes on the tally sheet by the end of the day, and mine earned the comment "are you for real?" which I think amounts to about negative 5 points. The real kicker is that even Jeff's pie (which was hands down the contest winner) did not get finished. This is really saying something in an office where the lunch crowd once finished up unidentifiable leftovers that had been dubbed "alien autopsy." I think the real mystery now is not how John Tyler came to have his own pie, but how it has stayed in existence so long....

I think I'm going to have to demand a re-match.

8 comments:

Carly said...

It's hard to understand how custard and cocunut could turn out badly.

This post, though, should be considered a great achievement. When I googled "John Tyler pie," your blog was the top result.

WikiAnswers says John Tyler was the first president to eat cherry pie, but I have my doubts about the historical accuracy of that.

Sarah E. King said...

There's only one thing to do, Ellen. Get back on that pie-making horse. And bake me some normal, non-egg, non-presidential pie. What happened to the whole apple pie quest? I think it's time to get back to basics.

(you should take comfort in the fact that at least you didn't bake and ice a triple layer birthday cake before removing the waxed paper from the layers. That happened to "a friend of mine")

PS--my mother has this pie-baking friend, Mrs. Hargrove. She bakes phenomenal pies and Mom says that when you next come to visit we can have a "master class"

Helen said...

Not for the first time, dear Ellen, you have left me speechless on the subject of pie. That ugly looking dark brown pie is an abomination, really.

SK is right, my Ellen. Apple pie, have you met Ellen? She's your new best friend.

Since spring is coming, why not make an apple-rhubarb pie, to reassert your pie primacy?

Ellen said...

Wow, I'm totally the internet expert on John Tyler pie now! Which, given the results of this bake-off is a sad, sad thing.

How in the world could anyone prove that Tyler was the first president to eat cherry pie? That's just crazy. Besides, everybody knows that Washington was first in war, first in peace, and first president to eat cherry pie.

I quite agree that I must get right back on the pie-making horse, but this cannot possibly be the last presidential pie I ever make. It just can't. Plus, I do love me some novelty pie, and this is totally the perfect season for sugar based pies since so little fruit is ripe locally. Someone has to bring back all of these nearly forgotten pies, and it might as well be me.

But Helen, you totally called it on rhubarb. I found the one place locally that sells frozen rhubarb and stocked up. This may be a perfect week to console myself with my very own rhubarb pie. But how, oh how, could you suggest mixing rhubarb with any other fruit, even a fruit so glorious as the apple? You know how I feel about that, dear Helen.

I am so excited for a master class on pie-making. In my experience, Arkansas ladies make outstanding pies!

Well, back to the pielab.....

erika said...

What about a frozen custard pie?

Culver's-meets-Carvel?

(Or is that sacrilege???)

bee said...

Ellen, I think the problem was the coconut. In my experience anything with coconut is vile. (Coconut milk is an exception.)

I second (or third?) the suggestion to get back to fruity/appley/tasty pies. I understand the appeal of the novelty pie, but I do think that the first goal of a pie should be deliciousness. And I absolutely agree with your aversion to mixing the delightful rhubarb with anything. Ah, spring.

Did you see that the Obamas' vegetable garden will include rhubarb? Yay!

Carly said...

I'm in favor of more presidential pie, but chocolate apple pie looks like a good experiment: http://www.kayotic.nl/blog/?p=2982#content

Sarah E. King said...

Ellen--

I hear several themes that inevitably merge--YOU ARE CALLED to make an OBAMA PIE!

BTW, I did read in O that Michelle said that White House pies are "dangerously good"

What sort of pie would befit our current president?